Periphery- The Tibetan Riddle

“Eat” He said as he watched me coyly. The restaurant was funny. There was a ‘No smoking’ board on the pale wall that had a layer of filth, yet every table had an ashtray. In front of me was a big bowl of beef soup and a plate filled with rice.  I was force fed by my date. His voice had a sinister command and I was compelled to submit.

When I was asked out for a lunch, I had never imagined in my wildest dream he would bring me to this bar cum restaurant. Thank God I ditched that red dress at the last minute.

I was so indecisive I had to remove my makeup for the third time; my lips were puffy of being rubbed off the red shade of my infatuation. I decided not to comb my wet hair. I washed off the mascara and now I was sure I looked like a runaway convict. I suppose that is what happens when you are asked out on a date by your childhood crush. Perhaps it was just a normal day for Sherab; not an inch of effort on his appearance. But I must say he didn’t have to. He had been the best looking boy in kindergarten school and two decades later he still stood out as the best looking man in this god forsaken run down mess of a town. His aloofness did the trick, and I was stupid enough to think he’d notice me. A drunkard at table number three was staring at my cleavage. I was a fool to wear jeans and a v-neck blouse. I had made an effort to be noticed but I didn’t know that I’d be noticed by somebody else too. He stripped me with his gaze. The thin clothing that I wore, I was sure he had removed many times in his drunken mind. Sherab didn’t give a crap what I looked like. He had a mission, and that was to feed me.

I felt like a scapegoat now; fed before the slaughter.

Sherab Tenzin was my classmate. I remember him because he was the only kid in class who didn’t know how to speak English. He only spoke in Tibetan; he lived with his grandmother as there was a rumour about his parents getting a divorce. He was that neat kid in class, whose clothes were perfectly ironed even after school. He managed to pass his third grade without making friends. The next year his cousin Topgay joined, and the school was never the same. Topgay was the notorious one, a devil, he was a bully and always managed to eat my lunch especially when it was Wednesday; which was a momo day. I knew Sherab was embarrassed of him so whenever Topgay stole my Tiffin, Sherab shared his Tiffin with me. He was always good to me. I believe that’s the reason why I always had a soft spot for Sherab. He was the first and only boy I had ever held hands with.

He was the first friend I had in school. Perhaps the only friend in school; our friendship was short lived. Our school was a small primary school with a handful of students. After the fourth grade, Sherab and Topgay went to the boy’s school of the Jesuits and I went to the Auxilium.

It was at the silver jubilee of the same school I met them again. Sherab was still a shy young man with an infant’s smile. Topgay too had grown to be a handsome mannered gentleman. I didn’t spare my truth to him; all my resentments were reserved for him. Topgay apologized for the troubles. I will not deny it, but playing victim can get addictive. It was fun to pull his leg. Sherab watched us quietly.

“I troubled you the most because I liked you.” Topgay confessed.

Sherab’s face grew a wide smile, “You are the fifth girl he has apologized to today and the third he has professed. Please don’t fall for it. You are smarter than this.”

It was the lengthiest he had spoken that day. Topgay frowned at him, while we laughed. That was the last I saw of the duo. It was after a year, I got the news. I rather stumbled upon it.

I surfed Facebook solely for my clients. Surprisingly, there were more sad people around on the internet who do not like the concept of not knowing. My mailbox was filled with them too. The tarot came in handy. That was the only way I could be social with the world around me. There were people getting married and breeding, infesting the world with their offspring and on social media. Their happy faces were all a clean facade they wore. All sad souls desperately trying to look good for the people they barely liked.

It was spring when the newsfeed flooded with condolences. Topgay Wangdi met with an accident which took his life. Sherab Tenzin was critically injured.

Nana’s presence comforted me as I prayed for the departed soul. My tears wouldn’t stop. Sherab and Topgay’s face danced in front of me. I couldn’t get him or Topgay out of my mind for weeks.

Trauma changes people. It makes humans smell different, look different.  Here he was inches away from me different than what I had known him, different from what I had seen him last. As I gobbled down my food to please my date, I introspected if my inclination was just a pity I felt for him. I went down the memory lane.

As a child, I didn’t grow up with large circle of friends, but I managed to keep a mass under control. I had gain confidence with the help of Nana, my cat. The year Topgay joined I was successful to fool some of my classmate into believing my superpower. The rumours had already circulated; someone had started calling me a witch. I enjoyed the attention or rather the fear they so projected. Girls as silly as they were came to me for palm reading. I blabbered nonsense.

Topgay Wangdi didn’t give a rat’s shit whether I was a blood sucking vampire or a witch. He was always ready to stand on my nerve. So he’d stand on my desk when the teacher wasn’t around. Pull my braided hair, put frogs inside my school bag and push me at the canteen. He was always mean to me. So when the opportunity came for me speak up, I spoke with ease.

“You will die young” I told him when he placed his palm on mine for reading.

He laughed at me.

Now when I think about it, I should have held back. Words have the power to manifest.

Sherab watched me as I finished my food in submission. His face lifted in unusual smile enough to make my ridiculous cheeks turn its colour. “Full?” he asked. I nodded sheepishly and felt like a child fed by its father. A father I never had.

He chewed the remaining food on my plate with bored enthusiasm.

“I saw you the other day” He said after a few seconds. His reservation well understood by me and his lack of words in a conversation was not new. I was surprised by the revelation. He smiled again, oh that beautiful boyish smile. “I saw what you did to her. A little bird told me about you. They call you a witch.”

That was not an appropriate word to call a woman, least on a date. The illusion was broken, I was annoyed. He read my face and smiled again, apologetically. “I only mean it as a compliment.”

“Perhaps choose a better word next time,” I raptly replied.

“Sybil” my name sounded peculiar when he called, somehow it was soothing when he said it. “I only meant it as a compliment.”

“I am used to it, don’t worry.”

“I knew you were special. There was always a spark in you. I remember how some of our classmates were scared of you.” All this afternoon, Sherab Tenzin had chosen all the wrong words and strangled my infatuation with every conversation. I looked at him in silence, Trauma and time does change a person.

“I was never scared,” he continued.

“Why?” it was to mock him, my sarcasm was to make a point.

“You are like a cat,” he smiled, “very selective of your surroundings and only approve a few inside your circle. You have emotions that barely escape the surface. You were always like this even as a child and many people were scared of you because as a six year old, you always kept distance, never giving in to impulse, to act like a child. If anything went wrong, you were the first one to know. Remember the day you cried aloud before the incident?”

I had tried my best to forget the past and here he was eroding my walls. There was something very strange today about the hour, maybe it was the restaurant with its red and golden walls. A layer of energy surrounded us and I could not recognise it. Something was wrong here, out of its place, something I was not familiar. It was a strange aura. My gut feeling told me to run towards home but I was curious.

“I had friends,” he was lost again; his smile vanished from his face. I could sense that he missed Topgay.

“You had Topgay.” it was an empathetic statement.

“He was a nut job. He liked attention. He craved for it. His folks always took care of me and I believe he was resentful of all the attention I got but,” he looked at me gravely.

“He liked you,” his face cracked into a teasing smile. My eyes popped wide.

“He bullied me because he liked me? What a typical man in the making!”

He chuckled, “He loved challenges. He wouldn’t stop talking about you at home. It was well …” he took a cigarette between his lips and lighted it “… annoying. You were the only girl he liked in school. And now…”

I stared at him. His eyes lost in abyss “Now he’s gone.” The smoke rose above his head. His eyes were like dark marbles.

“Tell me Sherab, why did you want to meet me?” I asked; the suspense was killing me. The delusion washed off from my mind and I could sense the words he had been chewing inside his thoughts. My heart sank to find he was not the Sherab I knew. Something had shifted, I did not know if it was good change or a bad one but his transformation couldn’t lay hidden. There was something not right with him that fend me off. I kept my minds eyes shut, I didn’t want to disappoint myself but the temptation to see through the third eye was alluring.

“I need a favour,” the cat was out of the bag.

I felt my shy self shedding its skin; I drank the glass of water and sat straight. My disappointment all open; how as a child I had guarded my life and with adulthood I had lost the grip of my emotion. It was that moment, he wasn’t my childhood crush anymore and I wasn’t in kindergarten to play a fool. There was a tension in the air between us. He noticed the change, intimidated by the change of mood he spoke with his eyes on the table, his palm firm to make a statement.

“You have talents, you always did and I need your help. There is something ominous that I want to get rid of. I sound like a madman but I know what I know. I can’t explain it to you in simpler words than this. I… need … your help.”

He was pleading and I lost it again.

When we left the yellow and golden walls of the restaurant the sun was already behind the mountains. The dusk had coloured the sky. There were crows cawing by the trees. I felt the presence yes, a thin veil around me. Somewhere someone was protecting me. Sherab was few feet away walking uphill. The streetlights were all lit sepia in the fading daylight. I wanted to hold his hand, I was panting. I saw then to my astonishment. He had two shadows; one was darker than the other. To my surprise the shadows were looking at the opposite direction.

We reached to the highest point of the town, climbing the steep hill; the cottage was spooky in the middle of pine woods. The nearest village was some fifteen minutes down the hill.  The food I had devoured an hour ago did help. I was panting like a hyena at the open ground. Sherab chuckled at me and rushed in to bring me a glass of water.

It was growing dark, but the lights brightened the verandah. the cottage was an ancient marvel standing alone on the hill. A private property of elites I knew not. I squinted my eyes to see a white thing move. Wagging its tail, a young Lhasa Apso guarded the door. I never liked the breed least the company of dogs. I heard a meow somewhere and hoped it was my Nana. I turned around and there she was!

“Nana!” I almost cried.

How was it possible? This black ball of fur rubbed its head against my ankle and purred. I could recognise it was my Nana because of the bell around its neck. Miles away from home Nana had found me. Coincidence? I think not.

Nana’s presence cleared my doubts; there was something very dangerous inside there. Sherab stood by the door and watched me pet my cat. “You know the cat?”

“It’s my cat, Nana”

“Are you sure?” he didn’t believe me. “It’s been visiting Choji for weeks now” he pointed towards the Apso.

I didn’t know Nana liked dogs.

Choji, the Apso bared its teeth to me. Nana made a weird noise and the dog was so scared, it went inside the door. Sherab looked at my cat in disbelief. I laughed at this.

The ceiling was low.  The floor was wooden, shiny neat unlike mine, so we took off our shoes at the door. It was a warm house. An old chimney which looked like it belonged to the last century was by the wall to keep warm. The curtains were all pastel to match the warm tone of the interior. The house opened to a big hall with chimney and a kitchen at one corner. A big square hole on the wall gave the secret of the kitchen. The dining table attached to the wall beside it. There were doors on the wall, judging by the numbers of the doors there were many. It was spacious room.

The Apso sat on the sofa quietly. There were rooms and the walls had Thanka paintings of various avatars of the Buddha. His cousin welcomed us. She was a young girl in her early twenties. They spoke in Tibetan and I could not understand a word. She tried to smile cordially perhaps my sudden visit was not expected. She introduced herself as Diki Tsering. She didn’t speak much and left for kitchen.

It seemed the house was empty. My feet were cemented on the ground. There was a sound inaudible to the human ear. Someone was screaming from behind the walls. Someone was trapped. I could feel Nana staying close, like she was protecting me.

“Didn’t I tell you” I heard Sherab whisper to me as we sat beside Choji, the apso.

I looked towards Sherab and saw a strange vapour rising. No, he wasn’t smoking. His eyebrows were darker on his pale face and dark circles were now visible, “What happened to your face?” I wanted to touch his face to check his temperature. He moved away.

His cousin entered the room with a tray full of biscuits and butter tea.

“I am sorry, my cousin didn’t inform me that we’d have guest. Please join us for dinner.” She spoke in accented English, which told me about a foreign influence. I understood I wasn’t welcome. She had a wary smile. She looked coldly at Sherab.  “It’s so quiet in here.”

 “I am so sorry for the trouble. Sherab is a childhood friend and we don’t meet so often. He wanted me come”

“It’s nothing” she was red with embarrassment. Her smile grew warmer, “Please keep him company; he bugs me so much. Glad he has a friend”

We drank tea in silence.

“Do you live alone?” I asked. There was a scratching noise from a door.

She was uncomfortable. “I came last year when my brother passed away. You must know him, Topgay. My grandparents are in Kathmandu with my sister. I came to visit my parents, mother passed away last month. My father, he suffered a stroke and is bedridden. Topgay’s sudden demise was a heavy blow for our family.”

I held her hand. She smiled with sad eyes.

“You must stay, Tsering. Your father needs you,” Sherab spoke after a while. His face was hidden behind his hands. There was pain in his eyes. The noise behind the door was increasing. She scolded him in Tibetan, I felt like an intruder again.

Of what I knew she didn’t want to stay. She had lost her brother and her mother. I still didn’t know why Sherab brought me into the family drama. The noise was increasing, I was now aware that I was not the only one who heard it. There was a connection with Sherab he didn’t want to disclose. Nana wasn’t with me. My eyes shifted to the red door towards my left. Sherab and Tsering started arguing in a language which sounded like a riddle.

I saw the red door creak open as if the wind inside was calling me. The door opened wider and I moved involuntarily. The pull was strong. I heard a gnawing sound. My feet moved. I was curious of the thing that was inside that red door. The sound increased, it sounded like someone was chewing something rubbery. My heart was beating hard against my chest. Yet I moved. I heard Tsering’s faint voice. Their argument was already heating up, “Excuse me, where do you think you are going?”

I had no time to turn around and answer her. I pushed the door and what I saw froze me. There lay an old man on bed. It wasn’t his body that froze my cells. There was a being by his head. It had a long black hair that covered its face. Its mouth was around the man’s head. It was just like a lucid dream. The creature feeding the old man’s soul was a transparent parasite. The long incisor teeth that were stuck on the living were making that chewing noise as the creature was feeding on the soul. I could barely breath, I fell on the ground. I saw the creature move its head. I screamed and ran out of the room and all went black.

I woke up at the sofa. Tsering was beside me with an ice pack. I had hurt my head.

“Diki” I said. My voice sounded strange to myself. Someone had taken over my body. My body was here and it was moving but it wasn’t me. I was speaking yet I felt my lips were sealed and my voice wasn’t mine. I looked at Sherab, he nodded more to the being that had taken over my body. He knew this would happen.

Tsering looked confused. I slapped her. Yet it wasn’t done by me. I tried my best to control my body but the pilot was somebody else. I felt like someone had tied my real self inside me. I was watching everything. My limbs moving towards the direction where was told to move. Like I was puppet with strings attached.

“What the…”

“Hyaat” I screamed words that I had never heard or spoken. I was speaking a language I had heard few minutes ago.

“What nonsense is this? How do you know all this?” I could see Tsering’s fear.

My body moved. I spoke yet it wasn’t me. It pointed towards Sherab, his head was bowed. He spoke to me in his language. I had no idea what was going on. The being that possessed me was very angry at both of them.

A few second later, Tsering wailed. “Ammmaaa” she cupped her mouth to stop her screams.

My voice began to sound coarse to me. I was screaming at the top of my lungs, my posture changed, I was beating my chest and crying, yet it wasn’t me. I was trapped inside my own body. I tried to look at Sherab, wishing he’d see the real me. His face was painful and on the verge of tears.

I understood then that it was his doing. All of this, he was not the friend I had known.

Sherab said something, which I felt he wanted the creature to go. I slapped him. The creature was very aggressive and would not leave.

Tsering was crying uncontrollably. I hugged her tight and I felt the being truly loved her. “Amma,” she cried. “Why did you leave us like this?”

“Diki” I said to her the being had mellowed down. I rocked Tsering like a baby. So it was understood. I was possessed by Diki, Tsering’s mother and she was very angry with her daughter who was about to abandon her own father. It was not clear who was inside the red door feeding on the sick father. It certainly wasn’t her.

Sherab spoke again with his eyes down. He wanted to free me. I stood up and hugged Sherab, he didn’t hug me back. I kissed his cheeks, “Aamma, please leave,” he didn’t look at me. My fingers were turning black. My body was rejecting the dead spirit.

“I have to do something before I leave” the being told them. I felt like she meant those words. I opened the red door. The creature was still chewing the old man’s head. The creature looked at me. It hissed and I scolded the creature. The creature stopped chewing; he freed the old man from his tusk like incisors. He melted to the ground.

Nana hissed beside me and bit my leg. I puked on the floor. I puked and puked. I felt Sherab’s hand on my head. Diki Tsering was still crying. I puked every food I had eaten last, the semi fluid spilled uncontrollably on the floor. I couldn’t stop.

Sherab removed my hair off my face.

“Easy! There, there,” he said. My eyes were teary and I felt a pungent pain on my throat and my nostrils. I knew now why he force fed me. I felt weak after the purging and I fainted again.

At eight o clock I woke up on the same sofa. Sherab gave me a glass of hot water. Tsering was feeding her father. The floor was clean. It felt like a bad nightmare.

“You okay?” he asked me.

I could smell the stench. My body was stinking; I knew it was the vomit. My eyes were swollen.

“You did well,” he stroked my hair.

I washed my face at the basin and put on my shoes. The house was filled with tragedies such as death and creatures. I was not fit to solve the riddle, I wasn’t told the truth before thats worse than a lie.  I had no interest to ask or look at them. I wanted to leave. I could not disregard my intuition any longer. I didn’t say goodbye to Tsering.  It was dark yet I walked out of the house. The wind was cold.

“Sybil” I heard him behind me. I ran downhill.

“Stay.” He shouted.

Sherab knew. He knew who I was. He knew what would happen to me. He knew everything. There is nothing more dangerous than a man who knows the truth yet hides it, nothing more dangerous than a man who try to use your talents and is okay to see you suffer.

The infatuation was gone and at that brief moment, I hated Sherab Tenzin. My eyes were wet with tears, I was deeply hurt. I cared less about the wild beasts of the jungle. My heart was a fool and I was already the victim of my blind infatuation. I was humiliated. I reached the main road, my limbs were shaking, the decent downhill was unkind to me. Nana was waiting by the lamp post.

My clothes still had an odour. My uncombed hair was now knotted. I cared less about how I looked at the moment. There was searing pain inside my chest, my heart was tearing itself. My limbs were weak. The tears blurred my vision, I didn’t see the stone where I tripped and fell. The skin on my knees was bruised.

Nana purred beside me. I sat on the lonely asphalt road unable to cry, I was shaking. I had lost my strength.

I walked home trying hard not cry. The solace that one finds at home, there must be a term for that. I felt secure around my four walls. My messy room and my shabby walls were no art, I agree but they were my security. This house belonged to my grandmother and now it was mine. It wasn’t well furnished like the ones I had visited but my house had less tragedies and creatures. It was my peace. I took a hot shower to get rid of the smell. I burned sage. My heart was in its right place.

The night seemed long for me. Nana sat on couch. I gave her some cat food and I nibbled some dry crackers because my tummy was making that whale noise. The lights went out as the night matured. I lit some candles. Darkness never bothered me but I was again an insomniac counting sheep. The cicadas outside my house were singing. Laying on my bed I started playing with the shadow of my hands. I felt then, my loneliness in the darkness among shadows. I felt it for few seconds and shrugged it off. This is the rule of life, never cling on to the darkness. I danced my hands and laughed at my own shadow, I tried my best to forget about the incident and about the house by the hill. Everything was back to normal.

Nana came running towards me and jumped on my bed. She drew closer to my chest. I heard her purr. As I drifted my mind to not think of Sherab again, I raised her by the light.

“Nana” I called her. She responded with a weak meow.

I have become prone to her scratching and biting. She is my knight in the shining armour. I watched her yawn lazily. Her teeth though white and sharp, had a peculiar smell. She doesn’t like heights, so she was biting my thumb when I lifted her higher to play this shadow game with her and I discovered then, that my cat, Nana had no shadow after all.

-Kate Sarah